


Weight of the World

by potatosackcrew



Series: Don't You Worry, Child [2]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz, Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: 5+1, Anxiety, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Depression, Found Family, Gen, Heavy Angst, Me? Projecting onto fictional characters? It's more likely than you think!, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Trauma, always remember that, gentleness always goes further than guilt, when you're dealing with mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28584552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatosackcrew/pseuds/potatosackcrew
Summary: Healing is an upward battle; taking the first step is an act of bravery.OR Five times Alex didn’t want help but got it anyway plus the one time he did ask.
Relationships: Alex Rider & Steve McGarrett
Series: Don't You Worry, Child [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2082795
Comments: 10
Kudos: 71





	Weight of the World

**Author's Note:**

> This has garnered far more interest than I ever thought it would, so as a thank you, ya'll get this today, too. (As a treat.)
> 
> This is the most recently written in the series and the next chronologically, but there are several others complete as well that I will be posting in the coming days.
> 
> Title(s) from Citizen Soldier’s Weight of the World. Set early in the series, beginning the end of January and running through the middle of March during the first year Alex is living with Steve. I hope you read the tags, because this is not a happy one.

_ i. sometimes it’s so hard to breathe _

Alex stared blankly at the screen of his laptop, the letters of the text he was supposed to be reading blurring together. Some days he felt like he was living under water, and apparently today was one of them. Everything felt distorted and not quite real, like he was simply drifting along wherever the tides felt like taking him. He was more grateful than ever on days like today that Steve wasn’t forcing him to attend school in person so it wasn’t a big deal when he couldn’t seem to focus on anything.

The front door clicked open then closed again and Alex only half-registered the greeting that accompanied it. Steve appeared in the doorway a moment later, a frown creasing his brow as he glanced at the laptop on the dining table. “I’d ask how school is going, but I can see for myself. You haven’t made any progress?”

The words were spoken softly and the logical part of Alex’s brain knew Steve wasn’t upset with him. Regardless, anger flashed hot his chest and he slammed the screen down over the keyboard with far more force than necessary. “Obviously.”

Steve sighed. “Alex --.”

“Look, I don’t need a lecture,” he snapped, standing up with so much force he sent this chair topping over behind him.

Steve held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Hey, I’m not upset; I’m just trying to understand.”

“Well, you can’t, so stop trying. I couldn’t focus so I didn’t get anything done. That’s all there is to it.”

“Okay.” Steve’s voice was still soft, gentle. “That’s all you had to say, buddy. It’s alright.”

Alex knew his anger was irrational but he didn’t know where it had come from or even why it was there. He  _ did _ know that it was making his chest tight and it was getting harder to breathe.

_ Oh. Oh no. Not now. _

He needed to sit back down but his chair was on its side and he was frozen in place.

“Alex, are you okay?”

_ Crap. _ “‘m fine.” The words came out in a wheeze that he wasn’t even sure Steve heard.

“Clearly that’s a lie.” Oh. Steve  _ had _ heard him. “Let me help you --.”

_ Nonononono. _ Before he knew what he was doing, Alex had reached out and pushed Steve away from him, stumbling back a couple of steps himself, only keeping from tumbling to the floor by catching the edge of the table with one hand. “Don’t!”

“Okay -- hey, it’s okay. I wasn’t going to touch you and I won’t if you don’t want me to, Alex.”

_ Oh. _ Alex tried to suck in a breath -- tried to stop this from getting any worse -- and choked on it instead. Still, he had done this a hundred times on his own; he didn’t need help.

“Tell me five things you know, Alex.”

“What?” he asked, brow creased in confusion.

“Trust me. Tell me five things you know -- doesn’t matter what they are, just any five things.”

Without thinking, he blurted out the most prominent thing on this mind: “I’m having a panic attack.”

A soft huff followed by, “Sure are, buddy. That’s one; four more.”

Four more things he knew; what else besides that? Now that he was aware of the problem, it was difficult to think of anything other than that he  _ couldn’t breathe. _ “I’m...in Hawaii?”  _ Lame;  _ that was  _ lame _ but it was all he could come up with.

Despite his answer, Steve’s voice was still steady, unmocking. “Yes, you are. Three more.”

His thoughts were scattered and it was difficult to pull anything out of the incomplete bits floating around. He would have to make do with the ones he could catch. “I’m way behind in school…”

“But you’re trying. Two more.”

“I love living here.”

“Glad to hear it. One more.”

“I’m terrified of having to leave.”  _ What. No. Why would you say that --. _

A soft sigh. “Not if I have anything to say about it. That’s five. Now, open your eyes and tell me four things you can see -- other than yourself and me.”

Open his eyes? ... _ Oh. _ Alex had no idea when he had closed them, but they definitely were. It took more effort than he thought it should to peel his eyelids back, but he finally managed after what felt like a very long time.

“There we go. Four things you can see, Alex.”

Glancing around, this was decidedly easier. “The chair, the table, my laptop -- uhm.” Maybe not. It was a simple request; why couldn’t he even do that much?

“It’s okay. Look a little farther away from you. One more thing.”

Swallowing around the tightness in his throat, he turned his head slightly and lifted his gaze. “The desk.”

“Good. Three things you can feel.”

The first one was easy. His left hand was still gripping the table from when he’d stumbled back. “The table.”

“Can you describe how it feels to me? It doesn’t have to be a lot.”

Alex brushed the pads of his fingers over the surface. “Smooth but you can still feel the grain.”

“Two more things you can feel.”

Alex sucked in a breath that still rattled in his lungs, still not enough air but at least it was something. “My sock is bunched up in my shoe. It’s uncomfortable.”

Steve snorted. “Then why haven’t you fixed it? Nevermind; don’t answer that. One more thing.”

“Uhm, my shirt? It’s one of the new ones so it’s still soft.”

“Good. Two things you can hear.”

He paused, forcing himself to listen for something outside of this own pounding heart and rasping breaths. “The clock in the kitchen...and the ocean.”

“And one thing you can smell.”

He took another breath -- through his nose this time -- and while his chest was still tight, he found that he could. “The stew in the oven.”

“It does smell good. Thanks for making it by the way.” A pause. “Feel better?”

“A little. Still hurts to breathe, but I’ll live. I’m sorry for snapping.”

“You were panicking. It’s okay. Is there anything else I can do to help?”

There was, but he didn’t want to admit it after what had happened. “A hug?” If he were honest, it would have helped sooner had he allowed it instead of having a visceral reaction to the idea of being touched. He wasn’t sure why he had reacted that way, but he could mull it over later.

“I think I can manage that. Come here.”

For once Alex didn’t hesitate to step around the table and accept the comfort he was being offered. He hadn’t realized just how much he needed this until Steve’s arms closed around him, one hand at the back of his head, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe again -- not because he was panicking; oh, no -- this time because he was  _ crying _ . Much to his horror, he couldn’t stop.

The tears didn’t last long, but Alex was still beyond embarrassed. He was mortified and exhausted and wanted nothing more than to stay right where he was forever, but he knew he would have to move sooner rather than later.

Steve sighed above him. “I feel like there’s a whole lot going on here. You wanna talk about it?”

“No,” Alex mumbled. How could he possibly talk about what was wrong when he didn’t know that himself?

“Figured as much, but that wasn’t really a request, buddy. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Can’t tell you what I don’t know either.”

“Okay. How about I make you some tea, you can relax for a bit, and we’ll try to figure this out together.”

Taking a deep breath, Alex pulled away and picked up the chair he had knocked over. “I think I’ll sit outside if that’s okay.”

“Of course. I’ll join you in a bit.” Steve turned for the kitchen but hesitated when Alex spoke again.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Are...are you mad?”

“No, I’m not mad. Why would I be?”

“I didn’t tell you that I’ve been having panic attacks still.”

Steve’s face softened. “Honestly I should have known because you  _ did _ tell me once before. I should have been paying more attention and noticed you were struggling before now. So, for that, I’m sorry. I do wish you would have talked to me, but I understand why you didn’t. That level of trust takes time to build, but I’m here for the long haul, so you can tell me things when you’re ready to. When the time comes, I’ll be here to help however I can. Alright?”

Alex could only nod in relief. Logically he knew he should have expected that answer, but he was still getting used to this -- didn’t know if he ever truly  _ would _ get used to having someone around who cared so much.

So many days it was still so hard to breathe but maybe, he thought, with enough time it would finally get easier.

* * *

_ ii. too worn to fight _

Alex knew it was going to be a rough day when he slept through his alarm. Even though he didn’t have to go anywhere, Steve still insisted that he not sleep too late, and normally Alex did fine with it.

But not today apparently.

He lazily watched his phone vibrate with an incoming call from Steve and, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he should answer it. The call went to voicemail and he could see he also had a handful of texts from his guardian -- the usual, he was sure, things like ‘did you eat’ and ‘how’s school coming’ -- and the fact that he hadn’t replied had prompted the call. Steve would be worrying about him right now but somehow he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

No, that wasn’t quite right. He  _ did _ care. It was more like...he didn’t feel anything at all. The fact that Steve was worried seemed to exist on another plain parallel to his own. He cared that Steve was worried, but it was like that worry couldn’t reach him.

His phone vibrated again -- once, short -- to notify him he had a voicemail. He knew he should pick it up and text Steve. If only his arms didn’t feel like lead. Some days he could fight this overwhelming exhaustion that settled into his bones; others, it didn’t seem worth the effort.

Alex didn’t know how long he laid staring at the wall but it was long enough that his plone began to vibrate with another call from Steve.

Again, Alex didn’t move to answer it. Even if he could have summoned the energy to do so, what was he supposed to say? That he hadn’t gotten out of bed yet and couldn’t seem to muster the will to move? Steve would surely drop everything to come home. As much as Alex wanted that -- because he suddenly realized that he did -- he couldn’t stand the thought of the man abandoning his work when there was nothing objectively wrong. At least this way maybe Steve would stay at work.

The call went to voicemail again, and Alex let his eyes slip closed. Maybe if he could sleep just a little longer then he would have the energy to text Steve back…

The next thing Alex knew, calloused fingers were running through his hair. Sighing contentedly, he was happy for the moment to believe that it was now late enough in the day that Steve  _ should _ be home by now. He didn’t want to consider that Steve had left early because of him.

“You awake, bud?”

“Hmm.” He didn’t want to be. Somehow he was still exhausted.

Steve was quiet for a moment. “I can see you’re having a hard time right now, but I can’t let you stay in bed all day.”

Alex knew it was childish but he didn’t care; he let out a whine anyway. Now he wished he had managed to reply to those texts. He could have bought himself at least a little more time.

“I know, I know. But trust me: you’ll feel better for it. So I need you to get up, get changed, and come downstairs. I’m going to make you something to eat, and then we’re gonna marathon those movies you keep telling me I need to see. Okay?”

He blinked his eyes open and noted that Steve at least had the decency to look remorseful for doing this to him. “Can’t move.”

“I’ll help you. You don’t have to do this alone, Alex. We’ll get you through this together.”

Alex sighed as Steve gripped his arm and pulled him up. He couldn’t fight this alone, but maybe with Steve’s help, he could still get through it.

* * *

_ iii. hope you know I tried _

Alex stared out the window as Kukui High came into view, swallowing around the lump in his throat. This had always been the plan -- that he would take some time “off,” learning remotely, before eventually returning in person -- but that didn’t mean he had to like it. Steve hadn’t said a word about it, but Alex knew the school was putting pressure on the man to get Alex back in the classroom. Trying to relieve some of the stress on Steve’s shoulders, Alex had resigned himself to his fate.

He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as Steve pulled up to the front of the building. He really did  _ not _ want to do this.

“Alex? Are you sure you’re ready to go back?”

Taking as deep of a breath as he could manage, he reached for the bag at his feet with one hand and for the door handle with the other. “Yeah. See you later,” he said, jumping out and slamming the door behind him before Steve could protest.

He could do this -- he  _ had _ to do this. If he wasn’t able to be physically present by the end of the semester, they would have to find another option for the next year. Most likely he would end up in a homeschooling program, which honestly didn’t sound half-bad to him but… He needed to do this.

He needed to feel  _ normal _ again.

As soon as he had stepped into the building, Alex knew he had made a mistake. There were only a few minutes until the late bell would ring, and the hallways were crowded with students, rushing to their first class of the day. Alex felt his heart hammering against his ribs as his anxiety spiked. There were too many people and not enough exits. Someone brushed against his arm as they passed and his skin burned from the brief contact. There were too many people, and he was suffocating.

Alex ducked into the restroom, thankful to find it empty. He dropped his bag to the floor and slid down the wall until he was sitting, his head falling back as he tried to take deep breaths. The empty space around him helped, but with the clarity came the horrible realization: he couldn’t do this.

The bell rang loud and shrill in the silence.

_ Great, now I’m late. Not that it matters,  _ he thought bitterly.  _ You tried, and you failed. What’s Steve going to think of that, huh? _

He wanted to tell Steve even less than he wanted to make another attempt to get to class. But he also knew he couldn’t just sit here. Steve had told the school Alex was coming in today so if he didn’t show up -- if he just skipped -- they would call Steve and he would find out anyway.

Reluctantly, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. But what was he supposed to say?  _ I’m sorry but I didn’t even make it to first period? _ Steve had been placing an emphasis on being completely honest lately, but this… He had promised he would be fine, that he could do this. How was he supposed to admit that he actually couldn’t?

With a huff, he quickly typed out a message and hit send before he could think too much about it. He shouldn’t have been surprised when his phone vibrated less than a minute later, Steve asking if Alex was able to call. He wanted to say no, but he didn’t have a reason to do so.

Steve picked up on the first ring. “What’s wrong? You okay?”

“Would I be calling you in the middle of class if I was fine?”

Static echoed over the line as Steve sighed. “I’m on my way back. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Rather not. It’s stupid.”

“I can promise you it’s not.”

Alex hesitated. How could he still be honest without having to admit he’d almost had a panic attack? “Guess I’m just not ready after all.”

“Okay. That’s okay. We can try again another day.”

Alex chewed his lip for a moment. “I’m sorry. I tried -- I really did. I just -- I don’t know.”  _ This was so stupid. Why couldn’t he do this one simple thing? _

“I know you did, buddy. It’s okay. I promise.”

He wasn’t convinced, but he could deal with his feelings later. “Okay.”

“Alright. Think you can get yourself down to the office?”

The halls were clear by now; everyone had gotten to class long before. “Yeah.”

“I’m five minutes out, so I’ll see you in a bit.”

As Alex hung up, he let out a defeated sigh, his head falling back against the wall again. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as easy as he had thought after all.

* * *

_ iv. I can’t forgive _

Alex had been cornered and he knew it the moment Steve cleared his throat. Sitting at the dinner table, meal only half eaten, there was nowhere to run.

“Care to explain why I got an email from the school today saying that you failed to take some careers survey thing by the due date?”

“I don’t do due dates?”

“Wrong answer. You’ve known you needed to do it since they agreed to you learning remotely back in January. And I know you didn’t just forget because they said they’d sent you several reminders. Wanna try again?”

Alex shrugged. What was he supposed to say? The truth wasn’t particularly easy to swallow. “Looked at the questions, didn’t know how to answer. So I didn’t.”

“Alex.”

_ Crap. _ So much for going with the half-truth version. He should know better than that by now, really. Still… “It’s the truth. What else do you want me to say?”

“It’s only  _ half _ the truth. We’ve talked about this.”

They had. At length. Multiple times. Didn’t make it any easier, though. Just thinking about it had the anger swelling up in his chest, and he set his fork back on his plate with more force than strictly necessary. “What do you want me to say, then? That MI6 ruined my life and I have no prospects because I’m going to be lucky to pass this year, much less  _ graduate? _ I couldn’t answer those questions because  _ I don’t know _ what I’m supposed to do!”

Silence hovered around the table for a moment, Alex staring down at this plate as if the peas there had somehow personally offended him, before Steve spoke again. “It’s alright to not know, Alex -- you do know that, don’t you? You could have put down that you’re undecided. That survey is just meant to give an indication of where you’re at, so it’s okay to not know. You’ll get there, Alex; you’ll figure it out. You’ve got time.”

“And if I never figure it out? What then?”

“You will.”

Alex slammed his hands down onto the table, standing abruptly, his chair screeching against the wood floor from the force.  _ “No, _ I  _ won’t.” _

“Alex --.”

_ “No!” _ Alex was yelling now, but he didn’t care. “You don’t know what it’s like, okay?  _ You don’t. _ They stole my whole life from me.  _ Everything! _ My family, my friends,  _ my future; _ and now I’ve got nothing left. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to do, and  _ it’s all their fault!” _ He was vaguely aware of the angry tears building in the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision, but again he couldn’t find it in himself to care. “Every time I tried to fill it out, all I could think about was  _ them, _ about how I’d been trained growing up, how my life has  _ never _ been  _ mine, _ and I’d just get so  _ angry. _ I can’t let this go, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to  _ do.” _

Steve was silent for a moment before rising to his feet and slowly embracing Alex, who couldn’t help but melt into the offered comfort. “You’re wrong you know,” Steve started softly. “They haven’t taken everything from you -- not yet, at least -- not if you don’t let them. I know it’s hard to let go of the things that have hurt you, but the only way they can keep stealing from you now is if you hold onto your bitterness and anger. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive them for what they did to you; it just means that you refuse to let it control you. You still have a future, Alex. You can take it back from them.”

Alex pressed his forehead harder into Steve’s shoulder, two years of memories and emotions flooding his mind. How was he expected to let go of the hatred and regret? How was he supposed to let go of the things that made up so much of who he was now?

Truthfully, he wanted to. But he didn’t know how.

* * *

_ v. but it feels deserved _

Alex wasn’t stupid; he knew that Steve knew even if his guardian hadn’t said as much. Steve was a  _ cop _ after all;  _ of course _ he would have noticed the scars on Alex’s arm after more than two months under the same roof. Steve had never said anything, it was true, but Alex figured since the marks were old and fading, Steve wasn’t concerned.

Then again, maybe he  _ was _ stupid after all. Because there was no way he was going to be able to hide this, whether Steve already knew or not. It was a bit...glaringly obvious.

Sighing in frustration, he watched the blood drip slowly off his arm and into the bathroom sink. He hadn’t meant for this to happen; he had been doing so well for months now. He wasn’t even sure what had triggered this. One moment he’d been working on school stuff, and the next he had found himself craving the release that he had only been able to truly sate one way. Now his wrist burned and he was left to wonder if it would be better to tell Steve directly or wait for the man to notice and bring it up.

Surely Steve would understand...wouldn’t he? He had been so calm and collected about everything so far, but what if this was the last straw?

He didn’t want to tell Steve -- didn’t want to have the same conversation he’d had so many times already. But he couldn’t hide it either; there was no way.

No matter what choice Alex made, Steve would be disappointed. Disgusted? Put off. No one wanted to deal with this sort of thing; that was why he had tried so hard to stop in the first place, but apparently he hadn’t tried hard enough.

_ If you’re getting kicked out again, then it doesn’t matter if you keep going, does it? _

It was a tempting thought, to let himself go back to his most effective (and worst) coping strategy. Alex took a deep breath, grip tightening around the handle of his pocket knife.

And then the front door slammed closed, followed by the ever familiar voice calling out, “I’m home.”

_ Crap. _ He lost his grip in surprise and the knife clattered into the sink, his breath getting caught in his throat. Footsteps sounded on the stairs and Alex knew he needed to work fast to get himself cleaned up, but he was frozen in place, heart pounding.

“Alex? You up here?”

“Bathroom.” His voice was shaking and he prayed Steve wouldn’t notice.

No such luck. The footsteps came closer, and when Alex glanced up to the mirror, he could see Steve through the gap, knew Steve could see him too, though not the blood staining the porcelain. 

“You okay, kiddo?”

Alex took a deep breath, tried to steady his voice as he spoke. “Fine.”

Silence, then: “You know that wasn’t convincing, right? What’s wrong?”

He could lie -- or try to, at least, but Steve could always tell somehow, even when his voice wasn’t shaking the way it was right now. He couldn’t lie, but he couldn’t tell the truth either.

“Is it okay if I come in?”

Alex knew he could say no and Steve would respect that, but was there any point in refusing? If Steve was going to find out anyway, it might as well be now. “I guess.”

As the door swung open behind him, Alex closed his eyes and waited with baited breath for the inevitable reaction.

But it never came.

A heavy hand landed between his shoulder blades and began to rub back and forth, and after a moment, Steve finally spoke again, voice gentle and without even the barest hint of condemnation or disappointment. “Okay, buddy, this is what’s gonna happen now: we’re gonna get you cleaned up and then we’re gonna go downstairs and relax for a while. You can tell me what happened if you want -- or not; it’s up to you. We’re gonna do whatever we need to in order to get you back to a better headspace, okay?”

Alex felt like crying; he should have known by now that Steve’s response to everything related to him was to help in whatever way was needed, but he still hadn’t expected it. Somehow he had still thought Steve would be done with him after this, that he’d call Mr Kent and Alex would be alone to deal with his demons once again.

He didn’t deserve this though -- the help and care Steve constantly offered. After everything he’d done -- everything he’d been a part of -- it didn’t make sense. For all the hurt he’d caused, pain was what he deserved.

But he couldn’t say any of that; for now, all he could do was nod.

Ten minutes later, wrist cleaned and wrapped, Alex found himself comfortably smushed between Steve and the back of the couch, head resting on the man’s chest, feeling much calmer than he had before.

Despite it all, the urge was still there, itching uncomfortably underneath his skin. He hated it -- hated that the only thing keeping him from scratching it was Steve’s presence.

He didn’t realize he was aggressively rubbing his thumb over the bandages until Steve gently pulled his hands apart.

“You’re going to make it bleed again doing that.” The words were soft, without condemnation, and Alex hated them. He didn’t understand why, but some part of him wanted Steve to react any way except the way he was. Surely he deserved it -- deserved  _ anything _ other than gentleness and care.

“You still want to.”

The statement caught Alex off-guard. He swallowed thickly around the threatening tears. “Yes.”

“Okay. Tell me what you need from me, buddy. I want to help.”

Alex shrugged. The one thing he needed was exactly what Steve was trying to help him avoid. How could he possibly admit that what he needed most was to hurt himself? It was the only thing that brought the relief he needed. He had only managed to hold off as long as he had by substituting -- digging his knuckles into his thigh hard enough to bruise, snapping a rubber band with enough force to leave welts -- but even then those things had never completely released the pressure, only dulled it enough to keep him from bleeding instead. He knew it was messed up, but that didn’t stop him from needing it.

Steve’s arms tightened around him. “That’s alright. We’ll figure it out. We’re gonna get through this, buddy.”

For the first time since Christmas, Alex wasn’t so sure he believed that.

* * *

_ +i. leave on the light _

Alex sat at the table, staring blankly at the laptop screen in front of him. He was never going to get caught up at this rate, but he couldn’t help it. Focusing was impossible, and he found himself absently running his thumb over the still-healing cuts on his wrist. It might help him refocus -- it had in the past -- but Steve was already worried enough about him. His guardian tried to hide it, but Alex knew better; he knew Steve was keeping an eye out for anything new. There was an obvious solution to the man’s watchfulness, but moving to a different part of his body would make it less accessible, not to mention the guilt he would feel about hiding it after the conversation they’d had.

Steve wasn’t forcing therapy on him but, in exchange, he wanted Alex to come to him when it got bad. Alex didn’t have to talk, but Steve wanted to help him “ride it out” -- whatever that meant. Alex had accepted the compromise, so he couldn’t very well go back on it without feeling guilty. Not to mention that, deep down, he didn’t actually  _ want _ to keep doing this. It helped, sure, but that didn’t mean he _ liked _ doing it.

But he couldn’t seem to stop, either.

All of his life he had never been in control of anything -- from the death of his parents to MI6 to ending up in Hawaii -- but  _ this _ he’d always had control over. He couldn’t control what had already happened, but he  _ could _ control how he coped with it all.

Or so he liked to think. But maybe it was time to admit that he couldn’t handle this on his own anymore. That, despite his best efforts, he still had no control over anything. That he needed help.

And, for the first time in forever, he actually knew where to go to get it.

Before he could change his mind about what he was going to do, he stood up, closed his laptop, and walked out the door, barely remembering to grab his keys on the way out. He debated on taking the bus for a moment but ended up grabbing his bike instead. He used to bike all across London; here to the Palace wouldn’t be all that bad, his phone confirming it to be about a forty-five-minute ride. Besides, he could really use the exercise  _ and _ the distraction from what he was about to do.

As it turned out, forty-five minutes was still too short of a time, and before Alex knew it, he was staring up at Iolani Palace, hands shaking with anxiety. He wasn’t sure what to do now that he was here. He had only been here once before (excluding the ordeal in December) and he’d been with Steve then. Was he supposed to walk in the front door and ask for Five-0? What if they wouldn’t let him in? What if Steve wasn’t even here? What if --?

“Alex?”

Thoughts interrupted, Alex whipped his head around. Steve and Danny had come out of the side door and were now standing there, staring at him.

“What are you doing here? Are you alright?”

Alex opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. Diverting his gaze to the pavement, he stood in embarrassed silence. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say the entire ride here, but now the words were lodged in his throat, determined to stay there. He didn’t realize Steve had moved closer until he felt the man’s hand on his arm. Looking up from the ground, he found the same caring and concern that was always there. And then the dam broke, tears falling that he hadn’t even realized were building.

“I think I need help.”

Steve pulled him into a tight hug, Alex letting his head fall against Steve’s shoulder as the tears continued. He wasn’t sure how long they’d been standing there before he managed to pull himself together and lean back, wiping away the wet tracks from his cheeks. When he looked up, Steve gave him a small smile, sad but warm, and Danny was nowhere to be seen.

“Let’s get you home; then we’ll talk, okay?”

Alex nodded as he grabbed his bike and turned towards where Steve’s truck was parked.

The ride home was silent, and Alex was grateful for that; it gave him time to calm down and collect his thoughts again. As soon as they arrived home, Steve steered Alex straight to the couch.

“Okay, we’re home. Tell me what you need, Alex.”

“I don’t know -- and I’m not trying to be difficult. I just really  _ don’t know. _ I just -- I need help. I can’t do this anymore.” Alex was frustrated -- always frustrated -- but as always, Steve was calm and endlessly patient.

“Okay -- that’s alright. Can you explain why you decided you need help?”

Alex didn’t want to do this today any more than he ever did, but he knew he needed to. If he wanted help, he was going to have to open all the dusty boxes tucked into dark corners that he had hid away for so long.

But, maybe for now, opening just one would be enough.

Taking a deep breath, he willed his voice to be steady. “My entire life has been one thing after another that I have had no say in. I need to be in control of  _ something -- anything --  _ even if it’s only  _ one _ thing. And the one thing I thought had control over -- well, I’ve realized I really don’t. I hate it. This isn’t what I want at all.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Steve nod before he said, “You want to take back your life.”

_ Oh. _ He should have realized it sooner, but now Steve’s words from weeks prior had hit him square in the face: he may not be “working” for MI6 or the CIA anymore, but he  _ was _ still letting them control him. Steve was right again -- as he so often was. Alex needed to learn how to let go so he could heal. He hadn’t been able to admit it before, but maybe he finally could now. “I don’t know how to do that.”

“I know, and that’s okay. I don’t have the answers either, buddy, but I bet we can find someone who does.”

Alex winced. “A shrink you mean.” He still didn’t like the idea anymore than the first time Steve had suggested it months ago, but...he was probably also right.

Steve huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I know how you feel about that, but a professional is going to be for more help than I could ever be on my own. I’m still not going to force you to, Alex, but they can actually help you get to where you want to be. You  _ can _ take control again, but you’re going to need someone who knows how to do that to show you.”

“I know. Which is why I want to try it out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ll...give it a shot.”

Steve pulled Alex into his side. “I’m glad to hear that, buddy. I will still be here every step of the way.”

For the first time since everything spiralled out of control, Alex felt the weight on his shoulders lift just a little.


End file.
